Although I am fine during the day,
When I get home, I’m overcome with thoughts of my pet.
It gets even lonelier at night.
That’s how I spend my days.
This is my beloved Maro-chan.
He passed away in July 2020.
It’s been a few months, and I thought I was doing better after losing Maro, but sometimes the sadness still hits me.
Today, I would like to talk about how I feel when I suddenly become lonely at night.
How long will the pain of losing a pet last?
My job is to make memorial goods for pets, but I also receive many emails from customers asking about losing their pets.
I am writing stories about pet loss in the hope that it will be helpful to people who are suffering from pet loss.
Click here for a list of pet loss stories
Even if you think you have recovered from the loss of a pet and are feeling better, there may be times when you suddenly feel lonely.
Some of our customers are in the same situation.
For more information , please see How long does the loss of a pet last?
In my case, I often feel lonely before going to bed at night.
It’s almost been a year since my cat passed away, but I still feel the same sadness as I did when he passed away.
Thinking of my deceased cat at my bedside
Last night, I got into bed as usual and somehow found myself remembering when Maro (my cat) passed away.
He came up to me with an unsteady gait, and just as I thought I would pick him up, he moved away from me a little, and after walking just two or three steps he collapsed, unable to move, and passed away just a few hours later.
I knew death was near so I was prepared for it, but it seems like the pain is greater afterwards than it is in the moment.
Last night I was thinking about whether what I did back then was right.
At that time, Maro (the cat) had no stamina, and when I picked him up he was relaxed and limp, as if I was holding a soft stuffed animal, so I just let him lie down.
If I had held him at that time, Maro, who was still breathing, would probably have been happy.
As I thought about this, I suddenly became sad.
Why do I feel sad at night?
It is at night that I get lonely.
During the day, I often think of Maro when I receive consultations from customers about the loss of their pets, but even when grief wells up inside me, it doesn’t stop me from working. Rather, I am able to create my work with a sense of responsibility and with all my heart.
At night, memories wash over me, and I’m overcome by a loneliness that words can’t reach.
Even if I stretch out my hand, I can’t reach Maro. Even if I apologize, my voice doesn’t reach him. There are times when I feel like that.
At times like that, I try to think like this:
“Maro has now returned from heaven and come to care on me.”
Maro was a quiet child, but he would often walk around my futon at night.
In the pitch black room, he would climb onto my futon, and sometimes even get inside it.
Now that Maro is gone, we can’t see him during the day.
But when I turn off the lights in the room and it gets dark, I might feel as if Maro, who climbed onto my futon at that time, is there with me.
When I think about it that way, I can feel that this sadness isn’t so bad after all.
How to spend lonely times
When I feel lonely, I hug a cushion.
I speak to the cushion and gently pat it, as if I’m petting Maro.
When I do this, strangely enough, I feel as if Maro is really there, and my mind calms down immediately.
Customers often tell me, “It’s like she’s on the sofa,” and when I realize that they feel the same way, I feel glad that I’m doing this job.
Today, too, I am knitting yarn and making cushions while reading emails from customers.
